Worst Movies Ever…

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Not in order.

* Jaws 4 The Revenge…. This Time, It’s Personal! Why did the studio that made this want to get revenge on us????

* Promethius. So, a woman who just a little earlier gets her abdomen taken apart in a weird Cesarian abortion of an alien growing inside her, then has only her epidermis stapled together – not the insides that were damage by the procedure – then spends the rest of the movie frantically running around, and is miraculously saved from being crushed by a massive multi-ton spaceship falling right on top of her by a small boulder protruding from the ground…. Yeah. Right. Horrible movie.

* Body Of Evidence. Just after Madonna declares to the three men in her life “I f**ked you, I f**ked you, I f**ked you…. That’s what I do… I f**k”, she gets shot dead and falls into the river. Naturally, she’s wearing a white t-shirt, with no bra, so you get to see her tits one last time as her dead character floats away. Come to think of it, that wet t-shirt shot of a dead Madonna was actually the best acting in the whole movie.

* Rat Race. OMG… How can you take a great movie like “It’s A Mad Mad Mad World” and totally Ef it up so badly???

* Steve Martin’s The Pink Panther I and II. See previous comment. And yes It can be done worse… Much Worse! Here is the proof!

I’m sure there are others I could have included, but these are the first ones i can think of.

2 Comments to “Worst Movies Ever…”

  1. By Vince Smetana, April 25, 2013 @ 4:52 am

    I’ve been a fan of Tilda Swinton fan for a while and it’s kind of brilliant that Bowie collaborated with her for one of his latest videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5xYaoiM-z0

    Fun Trivia: Michael Caine missed accepting his first Academy Award because he was on set filming Jaws: The Revenge.

    Prometheus was ridiculous, but I’m a sucker for great Art Direction. And while the story was overly ambitious and lacking and poorly executed, and I totally accept those who write it off as a steaming pile, Arthur Max’s production design was SICK! SICK, I tell you! That film *looked* gorgeous and had a unique and distinctive look.

    Body of Evidence: My friend (who is from Portland where it was filmed) and I *love* to make fun of that movie. “Have you ever seen animals make love, Frank? It’s intense. It’s violent. But, they never really hurt each other.” Such bad dialogue! And there’s one scene where Dafoe drives across “one” bridge, but, if you know Portland, or even if you don’t, and just watch, it’s so obvious that they’re using two or three different bridges! Madonna looks like a kewpie doll when she’s having sex, my friend jokes.

  2. By Wesley M., April 25, 2013 @ 2:26 pm

    Roger Ebert may have given it five stars, but my all-time worst movie ever is still “The Hairdresser’s Husband”:

    http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-hairdressers-husband-1990

    After a fetish-inducing haircut with a buxom elderly barberess, a young lad declares at the family dinnertable that he’s going to marry a hairdresser, after which his father slaps him. That’s actually the best, funniest scene in the movie. After that, it’s literal cinematic wanking as a middle-aged European nebbish without the charm of Woody Allen somehow marries a young, alluring hairdresser, then spends his days in the back of the shop leafing through magazines (probably so the pages won’t stick together) while she cuts other men’s hair in slow motion and we’re treated to montages of combs plunging into those containers of colored liquid like symbolic cliff-divers into the ocean of deeper meaning.

    **Spoiler Alert**

    If I remember right, the existential ennui of the Euro-cinematic ethic finally gets to one or both of them, and one or both of them jump off a bridge and die, either separately or together. But does it matter? Because we all die alone. Especially while sitting through this movie.

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