Musician Jokes – The Master List

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Q: How do you make musicians complain?
A: Pay them.

Q: How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one knows, no one ever looks at him.

Q: whats the differance between a pianist and god?
A: god doesn’t think he’s a pianist

Q: how many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “oops, i broke it!”

Q:Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?
A:Terrorists have sympathizers

Q:How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: “The Defendant”

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do call Bach?
A: Dead.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Two brass players walked out of a bar…

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?
A: A Flat Miner

Q: What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: Why was the musician arrested?
A: He was in treble

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What’s the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What’s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What’s the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What’s the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: What’s the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Q: What’s the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can’t move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: How does a violist’s brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Two drummers walk past a bar…

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What’s the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: “That’s the banjo player’s Porsche.”

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.

Q: What’s the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Q: What’s the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
A: “Music Minus One”

Q: What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: Why are violist’s fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 – one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, “Phhhwt! I can do that!”

Tuba Player: “Did you hear my last recital?”
Friend: “I hope so.”

Q: What’s the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

Q: How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes four movements.

Q: What do you call a Tubist correctly noticing the key signature?
A: Astute.

Q: What do you call a tubist actually playing the correct key signature?
A: Gifted.

Q: How can a drummer and a conductor avoid rhythm conflicts?
A: Work separate concert halls.

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Perfect Pitch: When you throw a viola into the toilet and it doesn’t hit the sides.

Relative minor: A guitarist’s girlfriend.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?

Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?
A: Mozart.

Q: What’s the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can’t find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There’s a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.

Q: If you see a conductor and a violist in the middle of the road, who would you run over first?
A: The conductor, business before pleasure.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: Why can’t voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can’t find shoes to match the bag.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can’t get up that high !!!!!!

Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!

Q: What’s the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They’re all dead

Q: What’s the definition of optimisim?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.

Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.

Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist’s car?
A: Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose

Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of therm.

Q: What’s the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the ******* in the back.

Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What’s the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: “When do we get to play MY songs?”

Q: What’s the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the Saxaphone lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren’t. Violists heads are smaller.

Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They’re both murder on the high Cs.

Q: A violin and a viola are both in a burning building, in the same room, which burns first?
A: The violin because the viola was in its case.

Q: What’s the difference between a dog and a violinist?
A: A dog knows when to quit scratching.

Q: How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

Q: How does one trumpet player greet another?
A: “Hi. I’m better than you.”

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door ?
A: He speeds up when hes knocking

Q: How many guitar players does it to take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5 …. One to change and 4 to say they could have done it better

The Impeachment Of Trump And The Power Of The Purse.

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Many in Conservative circles have been dismissing the impeachment investigations as invalid because, in their view, it’s based solely on “a few words in a phone call”. This call of unjust political action taken by the Democrats in the House does not hold up to scrutiny for several reasons:

First: That phone call is not the exclusive reason Pelosi finally pulled the trigger on impeachment, that just one of many justifications for the action.

Second: If we focus on just that phone call, pressuring a foreign government to investigate his political rival SHOULD be enough to start impeachment hearings. Note that the Biden story has been public knowledge since the end of 2015.

Third: Biden was VP at the time his actions concerning Ukraine were taken, the Congress knew about this before we in the public learned of it. Yet, that Republican controlled Congress took no action at all to investigate the Bidens. They had the power to investigate and impeach Biden if indeed they found he had committed a crime or used the power of the executive branch to protect his son. When Trump entered office, his justice department also took no action.

So why now?????

If the DoJ determines Biden may have broken the law THEY are the ones who should be investigating.
Why try to slyly farm it off to a foreign government… Unless you know the case is weak, and this would provide you cover… “What??? We’re not the ones investigating.”.

Fourth: As noted before, the trump administration withheld funds / aid that was earmarked by Congress to go to the Ukraine to help them fight corruption. There were conditions set that required Pentagon approval before the money was to be transferred. Pentagon had cleared the transfer of funds in April. Trump administration none-the-less withheld the funds until after the phone call. As Ilya Somin explains at the Volokh Conspiracy, this may already be enough to justify impeachment.

Trump, Ukraine, and Congress’s Power of the Purse

The Impeachment Of Trump – My First Official Prediction.

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The Trump / Ukraine Fiasco:

Subpoenaed emails from Guiliani and others will show the phone call now being scrutinized was staged and scripted. It will be revealed that Trump and company did not just “ask for a favor” but they were working behind the scenes to engineer a Ukranian investigation into Joe and Hunter Biden. This would explain why the already approved aid to Ukraine was withheld by the White House, to be used as leverage, and why Guiliani was involved. He coached Zelensky to make sure the phone call happened the way it did. Mentioning CrowdStrike was intended to give Trump cover… “See!!!! This isn’t about Biden!!”. And there is no quid pro quo in the phone call. Of course that was handled before hand. And worst case scenario, if anyone questioned it, Guiliani and Trump would have attorney / client priveledge… But we’re dealing with stupid people. That protection of course goes away if either is found to have actively participated in a crime that benefits the other.

QUICK UPDATE: Pissed that the whistleblower is being called a hero instead of him, Rudy, being Rudy, is out and about bragging that he’s the hero in all this, that he’s the crusader righting the wrongs of government, not this idiot tractor whistleblower. He’s the one “fighting corruption”. I wonder if that includes manipulating a foreign government to investigate a political rival????

Translated: This was his idea and moron Trump didn’t have the slightest bit of common sense to go “nope, we probably shouldn’t do this. It’s like Cheney / Bush all over again, but turned to 11.

Don’t Dream…

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Or do dream, if you wish.

That Time The Giant Elephant Attacked Florida, Georgia, AND Alabama!!!!

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