{"id":8923,"date":"2019-09-30T00:10:00","date_gmt":"2019-09-30T00:10:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/?p=8923"},"modified":"2019-09-30T00:10:00","modified_gmt":"2019-09-30T00:10:00","slug":"musician-jokes-the-master-list","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/?p=8923","title":{"rendered":"Musician Jokes &#8211; The Master List"},"content":{"rendered":"<div style=\"padding-bottom:20px; padding-top:10px;\" class=\"hupso-share-buttons\"><!-- Hupso Share Buttons - https:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/ --><a class=\"hupso_toolbar\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/\"><img src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/buttons\/share-medium.png\" style=\"border:0px; padding-top: 5px; float:left;\" alt=\"Share Button\"\/><\/a><script type=\"text\/javascript\">var hupso_services_t=new Array(\"Twitter\",\"Facebook\",\"Google Plus\",\"Pinterest\",\"Linkedin\",\"StumbleUpon\",\"Digg\",\"Reddit\",\"Bebo\",\"Delicious\");var hupso_background_t=\"#EAF4FF\";var hupso_border_t=\"#66CCFF\";var hupso_toolbar_size_t=\"medium\";var hupso_image_folder_url = \"\";var hupso_url_t=\"\";var hupso_title_t=\"Musician%20Jokes%20-%20The%20Master%20List\";<\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\" src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/js\/share_toolbar.js\"><\/script><!-- Hupso Share Buttons --><\/div>\n<p>Q: How do you make musicians complain?<br>A: Pay them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>A: No one knows, no one ever looks at him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: whats the differance between a pianist and god?<br>A: god doesn&#8217;t think he&#8217;s a pianist<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: how many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: &#8220;oops, i broke it!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q:Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?<br>A:Terrorists have sympathizers<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q:How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A:One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist&#8217;s arm?<br>A: A tattoo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a banjo and an onion?<br>A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?<br>A: &#8220;The Defendant&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?<br>A: Their personalities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do call Bach?<br>A: Dead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?<br>A: Saliva.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?<br>A: Homeless.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Two brass players walked out of a bar&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?<br>A: A Flat Miner<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?<br>A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: Why was the musician arrested?<br>A: He was in treble<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?<br>A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?<br>A: It saves time in the long run.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?<br>A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?<br>A: About three decibels.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the latest crime wave in New York City?<br>A: Drive-by trombone solos.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the definition of a minor second interval?<br>A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What is another term for trombone?<br>A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?<br>A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?<br>A: On or off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?<br>A: A bad oboist can kill you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?<br>A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What\u2019s the definition of perfect pitch?<br>A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?<br>A: Lipstick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: Why do people play trombone?<br>A: Because they can&#8217;t move their fingers and read music at the same time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How does a violist&#8217;s brain cell die?<br>A: Alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Two drummers walk past a bar&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?<br>A: A music critic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?<br>A: Put it in a viola case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?<br>A: You can tune a chainsaw.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?<br>A: &#8220;That&#8217;s the banjo player&#8217;s Porsche.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?<br>A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?<br>A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?<br>A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?<br>A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?<br>A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?<br>A: &#8220;Music Minus One&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?<br>A: Eleven pounds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: Why are violist&#8217;s fingers like lightning?<br>A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?<br>A: 13 &#8211; one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, &#8220;Phhhwt! I can do that!&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Tuba Player: &#8220;Did you hear my last recital?&#8221;<br>Friend: &#8220;I hope so.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between alto clef and Greek?<br>A: Some conductors actually read Greek.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: Just one, but it takes four movements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you call a Tubist correctly noticing the key signature?<br>A: Astute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you call a tubist actually playing the correct key signature?<br>A: Gifted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How can a drummer and a conductor avoid rhythm conflicts?<br>A: Work separate concert halls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Perfect Pitch: When you throw a viola into the toilet and it doesn&#8217;t hit the sides.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Relative minor: A guitarist&#8217;s girlfriend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?<br>A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?<br>A: A good start.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?<br>A: Mozart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?<br>A: Vibrato<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?<br>A: The can&#8217;t find the key, and they never know when to come in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?<br>A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?<br>A: There&#8217;s a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?<br>A: A vocalist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: If you see a conductor and a violist in the middle of the road, who would you run over first?<br>A: The conductor, business before pleasure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?<br>A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: Why can&#8217;t voice majors have colostomies?<br>A: Because they can&#8217;t find shoes to match the bag.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?<br>A: Stop laughing and shoot again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?<br>A: None, they can&#8217;t get up that high !!!!!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the perfect weight of a conductor?<br>A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do all great conductors have in common?<br>A: They&#8217;re all dead<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the definition of optimisim?<br>A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?<br>A: Back up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist&#8217;s car?<br>A: Take the Domino&#8217;s Pizza sign off the roof<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?<br>A: Cut the noose<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?<br>A: His amp.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?<br>A: Shoot two of therm.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a bull and a band?<br>A: The bull has the horns in the front and the ******* in the back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?<br>A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?<br>A: None, they have machines for that now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?<br>A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?<br>A: Pay him for the pizza.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?<br>A: &#8220;When do we get to play MY songs?&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?<br>A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?<br>A: When the Saxaphone lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?<br>A: Night manager at McDonalds<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: Why are violas larger than violins?<br>A: They aren&#8217;t. Violists heads are smaller.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?<br>A: They&#8217;re both murder on the high Cs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: A violin and a viola are both in a burning building, in the same room, which burns first?<br>A: The violin because the viola was in its case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: What&#8217;s the difference between a dog and a violinist?<br>A: A dog knows when to quit scratching.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?<br>A: Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How does one trumpet player greet another?<br>A: &#8220;Hi. I&#8217;m better than you.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door ?<br>A: He speeds up when hes knocking<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Q: How many guitar players does it to take to change a lightbulb?<br>A: 5 &#8230;. One to change and 4 to say they could have done it better<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<div style=\"padding-bottom:20px; padding-top:10px;\" class=\"hupso-share-buttons\"><!-- Hupso Share Buttons - https:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/ --><a class=\"hupso_toolbar\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hupso.com\/share\/\"><img src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/buttons\/share-medium.png\" style=\"border:0px; padding-top: 5px; float:left;\" alt=\"Share Button\"\/><\/a><script type=\"text\/javascript\">var hupso_services_t=new Array(\"Twitter\",\"Facebook\",\"Google Plus\",\"Pinterest\",\"Linkedin\",\"StumbleUpon\",\"Digg\",\"Reddit\",\"Bebo\",\"Delicious\");var hupso_background_t=\"#EAF4FF\";var hupso_border_t=\"#66CCFF\";var hupso_toolbar_size_t=\"medium\";var hupso_image_folder_url = \"\";var hupso_url_t=\"\";var hupso_title_t=\"Musician%20Jokes%20-%20The%20Master%20List\";<\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\" src=\"https:\/\/static.hupso.com\/share\/js\/share_toolbar.js\"><\/script><!-- Hupso Share Buttons --><\/div><p>Q: How do you make musicians complain?A: Pay them. Q: How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: No one knows, no one ever looks at him. Q: whats the differance between a pianist and god?A: god doesn&#8217;t think he&#8217;s a pianist Q: how many drummers does it take to change [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[65],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8923"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8923"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8923\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8924,"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8923\/revisions\/8924"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8923"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8923"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sonicfrog.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8923"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}